What keeps me up when I'm trying to sleep

This doesn't happen to me as often. That's not to say I never have times where bad memories keep me up at night. Sometimes they do, and boy, do I have some doozies do dwell on when it does happen. Don't we all? However, what keeps me up more often is not bad memories but "what ifs" about the future. That wasn't always the case. I can remember when absolutely no money came in for months, and I didn't worry one time because I trusted that the Lord would work it out some way. When I had the H1N1 (swine) flu and my temperature was hovering around 103, not only was I not worried, I was trying to bring calmness and assurance that I would be okay. And yet, there have been ridiculous times in the past and present where I have allowed worry to grip me and tear me apart. An earwax buildup on a Friday night worried me to the point that I thought I had some kind of sudden permanent deafness. Then I went to the doctor that Monday morning and all they had to do was flush my ear out. I was constipated for not even a full day and scared myself into thinking I had a kidney stone. More recently, I found out I was going to have to have some oral surgery. I went from feeling relieved by the time I left the dentist's office to make the one cardinal mistake you never do when facing a medical procedure: I started Googling. So I went from, "Whoo, dodged a bullet there" to thinking my life was over, I was going to have to voluntarily wear a mask for the rest of my life, not because of some stupid virus with a ridiculously high survival rate, but because I thought I would be too ugly to take it off. Or I thought that I was going to look 62 by the time I was 42 because my face was going to sink in. To be honest, because this surgery is still pending, I still struggle with these thoughts, though not nearly as much as I was the first weekend after I got this news. The other worst times are when I first wake up in the morning for some reason. That brings me to another side note I will mention before continuing on here. Don't just be careful about looking up information for yourself and diagnosing worst-case scenarios, but also be cautious about who you talk to about certain things. Even if you have terrific friends who aren't trying to add to your distress or discourage you, sometimes well-meaning people can do more harm than good.

And that brings me to the points I want to make with this post. Jesus said, "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you, by worrying, add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. So if that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:25-34). Worry is the real pandemic, and it's been a global problem much longer than March 2020 and after. Depths of worry, fear, panic, or whatever you want to call it may have been exposed by the COVID-19 response, but it didn't create it. These things have been in people's hearts since the fall of mankind (not Mick Foley, but humanity) in Genesis 3.

Not the fall of Mankind I was talking about (Photo courtesy of WWE King of the Ring 1998)

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid" (Genesis 3:8-10). Before the fall of mankind (okay, at this point, I just keep repeatedly using that phrase because of my AWESOME WWE pun), Adam and Eve walked in perfect, unbroken fellowship with God. There were no barriers in their relationship between them and God or between each other. After the fall, fear entered the picture. "I was afraid, so I hid." Before they even heard God, they covered up their nakedness and hid it from each other, and they were married! They had only ever seen each other naked from the very beginning, and they felt no shame (Genesis 2:25). But now, because of sin, they were worried. Their sin separated them from God, and their fear kept them from seeking reconciliation with him. It's interesting to think of the fact that sin caused fear because submitting to fear of anything except God is also a sin. Talk about a vicious cycle from the very start. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters, and all liars—they will be consigned to the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death (Revelation 21:8). That's quite the list of people who will end up in eternal Hell, but did you notice who was mentioned first in this list? It is cowardly and unbelieving people. Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them (John 3:36). Fear and unbelief are not the same things, but they are at least cousins. Not all fear is wrong, but all unbelief toward God can lead people to paralyzing fear, especially in times of crisis if the unbelief persists. What is the correct response when fear comes knocking at your door? There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love (1 John 4:18). So the proper response to fear is perfect love, and that only comes from God, which means you have to depend on him for it to flow through you.

Times of testing reveal what is really inside of us. So, dear brothers and sisters, consider it an opportunity for great joy when troubles of any kind come your way. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing (James 1:2-4). Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test (2 Corinthians 13:5)? Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). Of course, you don't earn salvation by having courage and not giving in to feelings of anxiety. But trials and times of testing are a way of showing us what is on inside of us. They are some of our best self-assessment tools. When you are squeezed, what comes out of you? When I am squeezed, what comes out of me?

I asked myself that question after my dental appointment a couple of weeks ago, followed by a total of four hours of sleep over the next two days. I didn't like the answer to that question. I thought to myself, "If I am reacting this way to news of oral surgery, how would I have acted had I been told I only had a limited time to live? What does this reveal about what is in me?" We need to be careful with such thoughts because there is a thin line between self-examination and condemnation. Self-examination and conviction says, "You are coming up short here. Take this to God and deal with it." Condemnation says, "You call yourself a Christian? Look how scared you are! You can't even sleep! You talk about faith and encourage others to have it, but look at you up all night worrying yourself to no end. You might as well give up. If you need any further treatment that isn't covered, you'll never afford it, and your life will be as good as over." God isn't all fluffy warm fuzzies, but even his chastizement is intended to bring correction, not hopelessness.

So whether you are like Kermit in this meme and your brain is keeping you up with your 10 worst memories or whether you have some concerns about your future, may I encourage you to do what I have been doing since that first weekend passed? Always answer fear with faith. But what if I don't have any faith? I'm glad you asked that because the Bible has the answer for that, too, as it does for everything since it comes from God himself. So then faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). So if your faith is weak, go to the God-breathed Old and New Testaments he has provided for you and stay in it so that your faith will be strengthened. Then you will be ready to pass your tests with flying colors.